


Masked Insecurity

by Transformersfan123



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-10
Updated: 2018-01-10
Packaged: 2019-03-03 04:36:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13333635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Transformersfan123/pseuds/Transformersfan123
Summary: "Ha!" Leonardo said triumphantly, pulling out a turtle. Michelangelo's jaw dropped and the other three just stared. It was a turtle that wore no mask, and it had to be Raphael because it was his mind. But there was a big difference between this Raphael and the others. This one looked no older than seven.





	1. Not Letting Them In

**Author's Note:**

> I know what you're thinking. 'Inside Out'. And you are wrong! This began after I saw the Teen Titans episode where Beast Boy and Cyborg go into Raven's mind and meet her emotions. Inside Out wasn't a thing yet. Not even close! So enjoy this little snippet of the inner life of Raphael, and some of the possible reasons he acts like he does. :)

"Clear your minds, my sons," Splinter said softly. "Open them to each other."

Splinter was trying to teach his sons how to enter each other's minds. Since they turned fourteen, the old rat had taught them to go into their own minds to seek out their emotional problems and hidden thoughts and other such things. Now, one day after their fifteenth birthday, he was beginning to teach them to go into their brothers' minds to help solve each other's problems. Michelangelo, Leonardo, and Donatello were doing well, but if the old rat didn't know any better, he would say that Raphael was just happily walking through his own mind with no thought to his brothers.

Raphael's progress with mind interaction had surpassed all of his brothers. Everybody had naturally assumed that Donatello's progress would be the swiftest because of his intellect, but the purple masked turtle had the hardest time because of his belief that mind walking wasn't real. Now it appeared that the temperamental turtle had hit a roadblock. His brothers were thrilled, because it had taken them months to achieve what the red masked turtle had achieved in the first day, nay, the first hour of their training. But Splinter wasn't sure. He could feel no mental strain from Raphael, no touch of mind against his.

"Raphael," the rat said softly, breaking everybody's concentration. They all looked at him.

"Yes, sensei?" Raphael asked.

"Come, talk with me. The rest of you relax and try again."

Raphael followed his father to the old rat's room and shut the sliding door, which was actually partially soundproofed thanks to Donatello.

"Raphael, are you trying to connect with your brothers' minds?"

Raphael thought about lying, but after about a minute, he lowered his head and groused, "No."

"Why not?"

"The golden rule."

Splinter was confused. "Please explain."

"I don' want 'em in my mind, so I'm not going into their minds. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

The rat was surprised at Raphael's thoughtfulness. "That is very kind, my son, but why don't you want them to be in your mind?"

Raphael did lie this time. "Because they're stupid and would mess things up."

"You control the state of your own mind. You can clean up any messes that they make with ease."

Raphael shook his head fiercely. "They can go screw themselves. I ain't lettin' 'em in there."

"Do you want a spanking?" the rat asked.

"No!" Raphael said immediately, hands going to protect his bottom; his sensei couldn't have spanked him through his shell anyway, but the memory was still there.

"Then do _not_ speak like that."

"Yes, Father," Raphael said sheepishly. "I'm sorry." There was a pause. "I'm still not letting them in my mind."

"Why not?"

"Personal reasons."

"Are you hiding something?"

Raphael knew saying no would probably get his thighs swatted in warning, so he said, "Yes."

"What are you hiding?"

"Personal stuff I don't want them to see. Besides, I can deal with my own problems."

"But what if your brothers need your help with their problems?" Splinter's face softened. "You are the strongest of all your brothers, in mentality, will, and, of course, physically. You can handle things that they cannot. You offer a different perspective than any of them have. If you are so worried about your mind, we can come to that last, but please help them. It will bring you closer to them."

A wounded look came onto Raphael's face, but Splinter wasn't sure what it looked like in his eyes. Raphael never took his mask off in front of anybody. There had to be a reason for that, but the red masked turtle never talked about it. The turtle's voice was shaking ever so slightly when he spoke.

"What if I don't want to be closer to them?"

Splinter was surprised. Why would his son not want to be close to his own brothers? Sure they had their differences, but they were still family.

"Would you like to tell me why?" Splinter asked gently, hoping to get closer to his walled off son.

Raphael suddenly looked very small, despite his large stature. "No, Father, I'm fine. Can we go back to the circle now and I'll try this time?"

Splinter sighed and they walked back to where the other three turtles were sitting. He perked up slightly when he sensed Michelangelo's mind pressing into Leonardo's, but not much else was happening. Raphael was standing beside Splinter and he sighed, opening his mind from the walls he had built up over the year of practice. He gathered up the three minds of his brothers as he settled into a meditative position and closed his eyes. Which one would he pick? How about Fearless? What were his problems? He took a deep breath and dove in, pulling his brothers with him.


	2. Leonardo's Enemy

He opened his eyes to see a wide expanse of grey. _How boring_ , Raphael thought. _My mind is much better than this._

The other turtles were standing stock still, presumably with their eyes closed. He snorted and tapped on Leonardo's forehead. The blue-masked turtle opened his eyes and gasped. Suddenly there was a thud and New York appeared before them. They were, as was typical of them in the real world, standing on a roof at night. _My mind is much, much better than this_ , Raphael thought dryly.

"We're in my mind?" Michelangelo asked, looking around.

"No, we're in my mind," Donatello argued.

"No," Raphael said seriously. "We're in Leo's mind."

"My mind?!" Leonardo exclaimed, suddenly looking extremely nervous. "Why…why would be in my mind?"

"Because I wanted to go into your mind," Raphael said with a smirk.

"Take us out of here, Raph, now!" Leonardo barked.

"No."

"Why Leo?" Michelangelo asked. "It looks pretty cool! Hey are there any monsters for us to face?"

"No," Leonardo said shortly.

"Hey, who's that?" Donatello asked, then he and the orange masked turtle raced off after the figure.

"Stop!" Leonardo shouted as he took off after them.

Raphael stayed put. He looked around, knowing he had to be there somewhere…. There! Right behind a cooling unit.

"What emotion are you?" he asked suspiciously.

When the figure tried to hide more, the red masked turtle frowned and walked over pulling him out. It was Leonardo, but a paler version of him, with purple oozing across the mask in his hands along with the blue. His eyes, like the actual Leonardo's had irises of blue and silver, the colors swirling together, but not mixing.

"You, my little mystery, are Fear!" Raphael said triumphantly. "I knew you had to be around here somewhere. Leo sounded terrified when Donny and Mikey started running."

"Y-y-you're Raph," Fear Leonardo said, shrinking back against the unit. "Please, d-don't hurt me!"

"Leo's afraid of me?" Raphael asked, tilting his head.

"Of c-course! You're so b-big and strong! And…He's afraid you'll hurt Mikey and Donny, too. They can't fight like he can."

Raphael felt bad. "I know. I really do. It's just…" Raphael swallowed a lump in his throat. "Hard to control myself sometimes. I don't _want_ to hurt anybody."

"R-really?" Fear looked a little relieved at that.

"Really," Raphael said with a nod. "Hey, what else is Leo afraid of?"

"Oh, lots of things. He's still a little afraid of heights—he gets a horrible shaking sometimes when really high up. He's afraid of disappointing you and Mikey and Donny and Master Splinter. He's afraid of death—his death, your death, everyone's death. He's afraid of wetting the bed, because he still occasionally does that, but not even Master Splinter knows that. But recently he's especially afraid of… _him_."

"Him?" Raphael asked, feeling a little nervous then murmured to himself, "He can't be as bad a _my_ him."

"Hello, Raphie."

Raphael tensed and Fear shrank back then ran away. The red masked turtle had heard that voice before. It was Leonardo, but a side that Raphael had thought that he'd beaten out of his leader. The voice was condescending and rude, hateful and mean. Raphael turned to see a purely blue masked Leonardo, but he knew it wasn't the real one because the blue was navy, not the usual middle ranged blue that his leader had.

"Hey, Leo," Raphael said weakly, all his confidence gone.

" _Hey, Leo_ ," Leonardo's Enemy mocked, for it could be no other. "Geez Raphie, you're pathetic. Still a weak fool. You just wish you could be as good as me."

"I'm just fine, especially without you!" Raphael snapped, cheeks coloring as he eyes got wet beneath his mask.

"Pinhead," Enemy said, yawning and looking bored.

"Stop calling me names!" Raphael whimpered, his voice cracking.

"Small fry. And you _know_ I don't mean your height, little boy."

"Stop!"

"Take off your mask, Raphie. Let's see if you still have black eyes. Black, colorless eyes. Eyes like that mean you don't have a soul. That means the devil's gonna getcha."

Raphael sank to the roof with a moan and placed his hands on either side of his head, gripping his mask so that Enemy couldn't take it off. He had sworn to himself when he was little that nobody, and he meant _nobody_ was ever going to see his eyes again, and it was because of those words that Enemy had just uttered. Because Enemy was a part of Leonardo. A part that the blue turtle no longer wanted, it would seem, but a part that had wounded Raphael many, many, many times. Enemy was the reason that Raphael was closed off and distant. He was the reason Raphael had his own Enemy.

"Get away from him!" an angry voice bellowed.

Raphael looked up to see his three brothers sprinting over the rooftops toward him. The bottom of the red mask was soaked with tears, and Raphael shook his head. He had also sworn that he would never cry in front of anybody again. Suddenly, the red masked turtle realized that he could leave, so with a heave of his mind, he jerked himself and his brothers out of the nightmare.


	3. What's Wrong?

Raphael was up and moving before his mind was fully seated. He sprinted into the bathroom, locked the door, and started up one of the five showerheads at full blast, cold not warm. He hurried over to the mirror and, after checking the lock again, slipped his mask off. He stared at his eyes, having to make sure that they had turned colors, that they weren't black anymore. The turtle breathed out a sigh of relief. Leonardo's Enemy was wrong. He was wrong about everything…wasn't he?

Tears flowed freely down the green cheeks, and Raphael couldn't look at himself anymore. Leonardo's Enemy _had_ been right. He was pathetic and weak. He sobbed softly and there was a pounding on the door.

"Raph!" Leonardo shouted over the sound of the shower. "Raph are you alright?"

Raphael took a deep, shuddering breath and wiped his eyes. He forced himself to sound normal as he said, "I'm fine, Leo. I just need a shower."

"Don't lie to me Raph! Whatever he said—"

"I'M FINE, LEO!" the upset turtle bellowed.

There was no more sound from the other side of the door. Raphael was grateful for the lock on the door. No other door in their lair had a lock on it. The bathroom hadn't while they were children, but once the turtles had hit puberty, Splinter had insisted that Donatello install one. He'd walked in to see his children "playing" with themselves one too many times. The rule was if you wanted to "play" you had to lock the door. Raphael really didn't give a damn if they thought he was touching himself. It was better than them thinking he was crying.

Raphael stripped out of his shell and caught sight of himself in the full length mirror across the room. _Small fry,_ Leonardo's Enemy hissed in his mind. Or maybe it was his own Insecurity. He turned the shower up to just slightly too hot and let the searing sensation soothe him as he hid his tears in the water. An hour later, he turned the shower off and dried himself. He knew he couldn't cry anymore even if he wanted to. He slipped his shell and his mask on, made sure they were firmly in place, then opened the door. Leonardo immediately leaped in front of him.

"Raph, please, whatever he said—"

"Drop it, Leo. What's for supper?"

"Oh, Mikey's getting pizza. And I will not drop it. What did he say? You were covering your ears on the ground. Why?"

Raphael spun and grabbed the top of Leonardo's plastron, jerking the older brother toward him.

"Leave. It. Alone. Now."

"Dudes! Pizza's here!" Michelangelo's voice called.

Raphael released his leader then turned and hurried to the dining room, Leonardo following close behind him. When they came into the room, Michelangelo, Donatello, and Master Splinter all looked him. Splinter walked over and reached out to Raphael, but the red masked turtle ducked it and sat down at the table. He opened a box and began eating. The silence was absolutely deafening.

They all sat down and ate, too, and Raphael could feel them staring at him. He knew why. He was the tough one, the one that wasn't shaken by anything. And what Leonardo's Enemy had said shook him to the very core. It brought back memories of him sobbing on the floor, sometimes with Michelangelo, while Leonardo, and occasionally Donatello, teased and taunted and mocked him. It had cut so deep and jagged that the scars were horrible to look at. And now they were bleeding again, and it was incredibly messy.

"Um, Raph?" Michelangelo asked quietly.

"What?" Raphael snapped.

"That Leo that was talking to you, what was he—?"

"Nothing. He was saying nothing."

"C'mon Raph, do you honestly expect us to believe that?" Donatello asked. Raphael shrugged in response and took a big bite of pizza so he didn't have to explain anything more.

Splinter placed a hand on his arm. "Raphael, my son, talk to us. You always keep everything bottled inside. Talking will help."

"No, it won't."

"Are you afraid to be embarrassed?" Leonardo asked.

"No," Raphael lied.

"What about crying?"

"I don't cry."

"Then what were you doing in the bathroom for an hour?"

"Taking a shower."

"Seriously?" Leonardo asked incredulously. "You were crying in my mind, and you were crying in the bathroom."

"No, I wasn't," Raphael said stubbornly, keeping his eyes on his food.

"Raph," Leo murmured. "Please talk to us." It was said with infinite gentleness.

Raph felt tears well up again because of that tone, and he shoved his chair back to get away. The chair clattered to the floor as he sprinted for his room. He shut the door then collapsed on the little used bed. He buried his face in the pillow and screamed, which dissolved into a sob. There was a knock on the door.

"G-go away!" he sobbed. The door opened and his family came in.

"Raph!" Leonardo exclaimed, hurrying over.

"Go aw-way!"

"No! Not this time." Leonardo placed a hand on his shell and said in a soft voice, "Talk to us, Raph."

"No!"

Raphael felt broken. Sob after sob wracked his body, and he couldn't stop them. He felt weak and pathetic, and Leonardo was patronizing him with soft words. As he cried, his shell became more and more constricting, and it became harder and harder to breathe. His family realized that and they began tugging his shell off.

_Small fry!_

"S-stop!" he moaned.

"You can't breathe, dude!" Michelangelo exclaimed.

"I d-don't care," Raphael gasped, but he felt his head getting dizzy from lack of oxygen.

They finally got it off with one good tug, peeling it off his body. Raphael immediately wrapped himself in his blankets, hiding so Leonardo couldn't tease him. The blue masked turtle placed his hands on Raphael's back and gently began massaging it, cooing soothing things to calm him. Donatello crawled over him and joined Leonardo's efforts.

The massage felt good on his tense muscles, and Raphael found himself getting his breathing under control. Within a few minutes he was breathing evenly, but tears were still soaking his mask. Leonardo stopped the massage and placed a firm hand on his brother's shoulder.

"There. Better?"

Raphael looked at him, the visible part of his face twisted in pain and humiliation. He buried his head in his pillow, shaking his head.

"Raphie, what's wrong?" Leonardo asked tenderly.

Raphael felt something break. "You want to see the monster you created?" he demanded, sitting up and staring at Leonardo through his mask.

"Monster? That I created? I…If you want me to," he said, sounding very confused.

"Sit down," Raphael said to his family. They did so. "You want to help me so badly? Fine, but I doubt you can. Have fun figuring things out!"

Raphael grabbed everybody's minds with his own and drew them in.


	4. Peace and Sadness

Leonardo opened his eyes to the most beautiful sight he had ever beheld. He was in a grassy meadow. Flowers bloomed everywhere, in all different colors and shades. A forest was a short way away, thick with trees of every kind. He heard a gasp behind him and saw his family drinking in the sight before them.

"I have never seen a mind like this before," Splinter said, sounding impressed.

"Dude, ours is New York. This is just…wow," Michelangelo said, sounding wonderstruck.

There was movement in the forest and Leonardo saw a figure peek out. "Hey! There's one of Raph's emotions."

They began walking toward the forest, but by the time they got there, the figure was gone. Michelangelo whistled.

"Hey, we know you're in there. Who are you?"

There was a rustling in a bush and Splinter walked over and reached in. He pulled out a version of Raphael. He wore a mask, which all of them immediately thought was unusual. Usually the masks were tied around the arm or in their hands. The mask was lined with blue.

"Who are you?" Donatello asked.

"I am Raphael," the blue and red masked being said.

"Which emotion are you?" Leonardo asked.

"I am Peace."

"Peace? Raphael is not peaceful."

"I am felt at night, deep in the night, when he presses a hand to Mikey's cheek and kisses it softly. I am felt when he carries a sleep deprived Donny to his room and sits with him until he falls asleep. I am felt when father embraces him after a spanking."

"Why does he have an emotion for that?"

"Because, my son, peace must be very important to him," Splinter said softly.

"I am felt so few times. He desires me, but because of Leonardo, he doesn't find me very often," Peace said solemnly.

"Me? What did I do?" Leonardo asked, bewildered.

Peace didn't look angry or annoyed, but his words were firm. "You hit your head too hard that day in the bathroom. You don't remember things that changed Raphael's life and perspective of the world." He turned to Michelangelo and Donatello. "Do not tell him how he used to be until his old words surface."

They nodded. "Sure, dude. Hard to explain to him anyway," Michelangelo said with a shrug.

"Good. Now, I am to lead you to the heart of Raphael's mind. Our mind. At least until you meet another emotion."

"Lead the way," Leonardo said.

They walked through the beautiful forest, seeing animals of all kinds. It was still a little dazzling to the turtles, who had only seen New York. Michelangelo and Donatello whispered together behind Splinter and Leonardo.

"Father?" the blue masked turtle asked.

"Yes, my son?"

"Why did Raph say that _I_ created a monster inside him?"

The old rat looked at him for a moment. "Raphael apparently wants you to figure out how you did that."

"But I couldn't've done it. Could I?"

"Yes, dude, you could've. And apparently you did."

Leonardo turned to look at Michelangelo. "What do you mean?"

"Peace was right. You hit your head too hard," Donatello said.

"Now wait just one minute, _Donny_. You used to do it, too. It apparently hurt Raph more than we knew," the orange masked turtle said, first harshly, then softly.

"I…I know," Donatello said, looking ashamed.

"What are you two talking about?" They looked at him silently.

Leonardo sighed then saw a rustling in the foliage off to the side of them. He lunged over to it and reached in like Splinter did, but instead of pulling somebody out, there was a searing pain in his hand. He yelled, jerking hand back to find blood rushing out. It was a bite, he found out when Donatello cleaned the wound with some medical supplies that Peace pulled out of thin air. A small, neat little bite.

"Ouch," Michelangelo whistled. "That had to hurt."

"It did and it still does," Leonardo grimaced.

"I suggest not doing that to him. He is different than the rest of us," Peace said to Leonardo. "And he had very strong emotions toward you."

"Why didn't you warn me?"

"Same reason I didn't list you for the times he feels peace. You disturb him. You wound him. You sc…" Peace paused for a moment, tilting his head as if listening. "Never mind. Now come, let us keep going."

"Why is this forest so nice?" Michelangelo asked, walking over.

Donatello, Leonardo, and Splinter all noticed Peace relaxed even more than he already was. "This is where Raphael feels peaceful. He likes walking through it, watching the deer and birds, petting them nicely. So, this is where I reside in his mind."

"Sweet," Michelangelo said, smiling.

Peace's face turned soft and he leaned over and kissed the orange masked turtle's face. The silly turtle looked surprised, pressing his hand on the cheek that he kissed. He smiled and kissed Peace's cheek back. Suddenly Peace did something that the other turtles hadn't seen Raphael do since they were about seven. He laughed, and not a harsh, mean laugh, or even a sarcastic one, but a genuine, happy laugh.

"Raph!" Donatello gasped then began laughing himself. They all laughed, even Splinter. It was just so infectious!

When they had calmed down, Peace smiled at Michelangelo. "He is sorry for all the teasing."

"Don't sweat it dude, most of the time I know he's joking," the orange masked turtle said, waving his hand dismissively.

"That, my dearest brother, is exactly what he wants to hear," Peace said as he began walking again.

They trekked through the forest, and though it was a very peaceful place, Leonardo didn't feel peaceful at all. He struggled with his thoughts and feelings at the back of the group. What had he done to Raphael? He couldn't remember doing anything bad enough to warrant the red masked turtle's wrath…had he? Apparently he had hit his head really hard. Maybe that was why he couldn't remember.

A drop of water hit his head and he looked up to see grey sky peeking through the thinning trees. _We must be nearing the end of the forest_ , Leonardo thought. Peace paused when they got to the edge of the treeline.

"Another one of us is over there, but you must find him. I suggest doing it swiftly. Whenever somebody who doesn't belong is in this part, it creates a torrential downpour."

He bid them goodbye and walked back into his forest. They began to search, and the rain, which had been sparse drops, steadily became worse and worse until they could barely see each other. They finally took shelter at the edge of the trees. All except Leonardo. He squinted. There was a shadow ahead. He hurried over to it and found a hunched over figure.

"Hey! Can you turn the rain off?" Leonardo said loudly. The figure looked at him and nodded. "Then please do so!"

The figure raised his hands and clapped them together once. The rain almost immediately lessened to a drizzle. The rest of his family walked over to them.

"Good job, dude!" Michelangelo said.

"Thanks," the Raphael sitting on the rock said, smiling slightly.

"Oh. Um, see, I wasn't talking…."

His face fell. "You didn't mean me."

"Well, no, but that was a good job that you did, stopping the rain."

The Raphael didn't cheer up. In fact, he grew more upset. "You're just saying that," he moaned then immediately began to cry.

"Hey! No! I mean it. None of us could've done it."

"Yes you c-could've! Y-you're just not st-strong enough yet!" he sobbed. "And once y-you are w-what will b-b-become of me?!"

None of the turtles really knew what to do with this weepy Raphael. His mask, which he, too, wore, was red mixed with black. He sobbed again and Splinter came over, wrapping his arms around the distraught turtle. He said word after word of comfort. Slowly, the Raphael stopped crying and just leaned into the warm arms of his father.

"Better?" Splinter asked softly. When Raphael nodded, he then asked, "Now which emotion are you?"

"I am Sadness and Neglect, but you can call me either," he said miserably.

"Neglect is harsh, so I'm going to call you Sadness," Michelangelo said thoughtfully.

"Ah, Mikey, you could call me Ridiculous and I wouldn't mind," Sadness replied, smiling slightly.

"Why?"

"Because you suffered nearly as much as I did."

Michelangelo's face got the strangest expression on it and he looked sadly at Leonardo and Donatello. "Yeah, dude. I guess I did."

"Where to from here?"

"That way," Sadness said, pointing. "But you'll have to cross the river."

"River?" Michelangelo asked.

"The River of Sorrows. Touch the water and you'll cry. And crying is bad."

"Crying is not bad," Leonardo argued.

Sadness raised the area where his eyebrows were supposed to be. "And when's the last time _you_ cried, Fearless?"

Leonardo blushed. "Well…I don't need to."

"Don't want to be called Sprinkler?" Sadness asked, sniffling.

"Sprinkler? What in the world are you talking about?"

Sadness stood. "Come. This way."

He walked along slowly, looking as if he was going to a funeral. Leonardo was even more confused now that he'd met Sadness. What was the sprinkler comment about? He asked Splinter, who just stared at him back.

Finally, the rat said, "This journey is mainly for you, Leonardo. I shall not lead you to the end so easily. There would be no lesson learned then."

There were no more words then, and they reached the river soon after. Sadness walked into the water and his mask immediately became wet.

"You must know how deep his sorrows go. You must cross the river with me. It is a deep river, so swimming is required. Come along."

True to Sadness' words, the instant they touched the river, they began crying. They followed Sadness as best as they could, but the farther across the river they went, the deeper the waters, and soon more than their eyes were reacting. Their hearts ached to the point where it could honestly be qualified as physical pain. Their limbs became heavy and it became a struggle just to stay afloat, let alone swim through the frigid waters.

Michelangelo made it first, sitting down on the bank away from the water. Splinter came next, and he was so exhausted that he flopped onto the bank, panting. That left Leonardo and Donatello. Donatello kept swallowing the water, and he noticed it wasn't fresh water. It was salty. The meaning of the River of Sorrows suddenly hit him like a ton of bricks and he moaned. He and Leonardo had done this to their brother. He deserved to drown in these waters…He suddenly found himself throwing up the water he had swallowed. He was safe on the bank. How was that even possible?

"Come on Leo!" Michelangelo called. "You can do it."

Leonardo was so close to the shore, but he couldn't take anymore punishment. He was going to drown. Michelangelo stood and was about to go the two yards into the river to pull him out, but Sadness stopped him.

"It's time he drown in Raphael's sorrows. He created them, with some help," Sadness said, pointedly looking at Donatello.

"B-but Raph!" Michelangelo exclaimed. "You aren't that cruel!"

Leonardo felt his head go under and his heart felt like it was bursting with the agony. He gasped and swallowed water. He was going to die! His last thought was that nobody should ever suffer this much, then everything went black.


	5. Façade, Anger, and Insecurity

Leonardo found himself on his side, water being forced out of his lungs. He coughed hard, spitting up more water. He felt drained. Exhausted. Everything ached. He moaned once he had cleared the last of the water out.

"W-what happened?" he asked hoarsely.

"Sadness pulled you out of the river," Michelangelo said. "You okay, dude?"

"I need rest," Leonardo said after assessing himself. He slowly pushed himself to sit up, and Splinter wrapped his arms around him.

"Sadness, may we rest here?"

"No. There is a place near another forest that is better."

Leonardo was suddenly grateful for the slow pace that Sadness marched to. He struggled along, weary beyond anything he'd ever experienced. They didn't stop soon enough for him. Sadness clapped his hands and soft cushiony mats appeared. They were similar to the ones Leonardo and Splinter slept on. Soft blankets and two pillows each were provided. They were fed pizza, a recipe they had never had before that was absolutely delicious. Then Sadness lay down and went to sleep. Leonardo waited a few minutes before he was sure then he looked at his family.

"What did I do to Raph?" he asked weakly.

Michelangelo and Donatello glanced at each other.

"Well, Sprinkler _is_ an old one," the purple masked turtle said slowly. "In fact, I'd forgotten about it."

Michelangelo sighed, staring into the fire. "You and Donny would bully me and Raph when we were little. Raph finally got so sick of it that he punched you in the head. You went flying and hit your head against the sink. It cut you open. There was blood everywhere. You had this weird personality change after that, and you didn't seem to remember any of the teasing. You still don't."

Leonardo frowned. "You're lying. _Raph_ is the one who teases. I can't see me or Donny doing that."

Michelangelo suddenly looked angry. "You're getting off scot-free for seven years of teasing me and Raph mercilessly. You feel no guilt. You don't think about it. And you know something else? Raph and I still _do_ think about it. When we're lying in our beds in the dark, we can still hear your voice, taunting us. He told me so a while ago. And I know I still do. And it still hurts. Because you honestly didn't care if we hurt. And sometimes I wonder if you do now." He fell silent, taking off his mask and wiping his eyes. "I'm going to bed."

"I never teased you!" Leonardo exclaimed.

"Shut up, _Leo_."

Everybody stiffened. Where had that voice come from? They looked around and saw nothing. They all suddenly felt uneasy and slipped into their covers, falling asleep.

Leonardo woke to a dead fire and noticed a bed was missing. Sadness was, too. Instead, another turtle was standing there, staring at him intensely. His mask, which he wore, was red mixed with violet. Leonardo stood, careful not to wake the others. He walked over and gestured for the turtle to follow him. When they were far enough away, Leonardo smiled.

"Hello. Which emotion are you?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?" the purple Raphael demanded.

"Yes, actually, I would."

"I am Façade."

"Façade?" Leonardo asked. "Like, hiding something? Why would he have an emotion like that?"

"Raphael is always hiding something from _you_. Besides that, I'm not an emotion. Some of us are, some of us aren't. Peace isn't an emotion, but I don't see you bitching at him."

"What are you then?" Donatello asked, walking up to them. Michelangelo and Splinter followed.

Façade narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms, staying quiet. Splinter spoke up.

"I have never seen a mind as advanced as this," he said softly.

"How is his mind advanced?" Michelangelo asked curiously, touching Façade gently. The red and purple masked turtle smiled.

"What Father is trying to say is that until your mind reaches a certain point in development, and I mean mind walking wise, you can only have emotions be represented. They are a basic part of any individual's psyche. I am a facet of Raphael's being. I am much more in depth and complex, with strange, sometimes stupid reasons for the way I am. But reasons they are, and I might add they are reasons that connect with what makes Raphael tick and they are important to him as a person."

"Why do you answer him?" Donatello asked.

"Dimwit."

Donatello jolted, staring at the…facet. "What?"

"You heard me. Now, let's go. I'm sure you want to meet Anger, and it's to him we head next."

They walked with the turtle, unsure of what to think. To Splinter and Michelangelo, he was jovial and nice, but to Leonardo and Donatello he was not. He called them names, creative and mean. This, they thought, was where Raphael kept his teasing. He was merciless, so they trailed behind him. As long as they didn't draw attention to themselves, Façade didn't even seem to care that they were there. Soon the ground grew hot and they came to yet another forest. But this one was eerily quiet.

"Here you are, Mikey. You'll want to continue going straight. Trust me, you'll find him with no problem. Just look for the lava."

"Lava?"

"Yep. And, for your sake Mikey? Don't provoke him. Don't crack any jokes. Just talk. Father, I'm pretty sure you're safe. He doesn't get mad at you very often. But maybe…No. Never mind. I shouldn't even mention that stuff. Raphael does get jealous of his brothers, but that's an emotion that you probably won't even see today. He's a spiteful thing. Anyway. You two," he said, smirking the smirk that Leonardo often wanted to punch off of Raphael's face. "You two better be careful. Especially you, Leo. Anger really doesn't like you."

"Gee, I never would have guessed."

Façade walked away, slamming his shoulder roughly into Leonardo's, just like Raphael did. They were left alone. Leonardo could feel the ominous air of the forest. Light didn't seem to filter through the boughs the way they had in the first forest. Michelangelo stared for a few minutes with the rest of his family then stepped into the trees. The others followed. They stayed close together, walking quickly. The bushes around them would rustle, and Leonardo would see a blur of green, but he couldn't make it out. Finally, when they had been walking for a few hours, he lunged for a bush and caught hold of something.

"Ha!" he said triumphantly, pulling out a turtle.

Michelangelo's jaw dropped and the other three just stared. It was a turtle that wore no mask, and it had to be Raphael because it was his mind. But there was a big difference between this Raphael and the others. This one looked no older than seven. He screamed fiercely, struggling in the blue masked turtle's grip. Leonardo tried to calm him down, setting him down and speaking gently, but the turtle was panicked. Suddenly the turtle kicked him in the shin and shot behind another turtle. This one had a crimson mask. He placed a hand on the small turtle, who grabbed his legs and buried his face in them.

"Not smart, Leo," the crimson masked turtle said, narrowing his eyes.

"Anger?" Michelangelo asked softly.

"Yes Mikey?"

"Don't kill him."

"No promises."

"My son, who is that small turtle?" Splinter asked, pointing to the child.

"He is a part of Raphael."

"Which part?" Donatello asked.

Anger looked as if he were debating whether or not to answer the question. "He is a very large part of Raphael," he stated slowly.

"But he's so small!" Leonardo exclaimed.

Anger growled and there was the smell of smoke. "Choose your words carefully Leo. The ice in my parts are nonexistent. You have nothing to skate on. Understand?" Leonardo nodded, even though he was irritated at the turtle's abruptness. "Good. Now, this is Insecurity. Say hi, Insecurity."

"Hi," he muttered, not looking up.

"Hey, little guy!" Michelangelo said, walking over bravely. Anger watched carefully as the orange masked turtle knelt down and held out his arms. "Come here?"

Insecurity glanced up at Michelangelo, biting his bottom lip nervously. He slowly peeled himself off of Anger and suddenly dashed into the open arms, hiding his face in Michelangelo's neck. The youngest brother stood up, holding him tightly. He shushed him gently, rocking him.

"See? It's okay. I'm not gonna hurt you."

"You always did have a way with him," Anger said thoughtfully.

"I suffered, too. If my mind was advance enough, I'm sure I'd have something like him."

"They were easier on you than me."

"True. But I was with him most of the time. I saw how much it hurt him."

"You swam the river the easiest. Even Father had trouble."

"Yeah. I've never felt it that deep, but I have felt it before."

"Can I see him?" Leonardo asked, holding his hands out.

"No," Anger said fiercely. "You may not touch him. And I will know if you do, because he'll scream. Touch him, and you will find out why Raphael can't control himself when I take over."

"Hey, little dude. Go and say hi to Donny. He won't hurt you."

"Promise?" the little voice asked.

"Promise."

Insecurity was set down and he went over to Donatello. The purple clad turtle reached for him, but a growl from Anger had him stop. So he knelt down instead, and lightly tilted the chin up. Insecurity jerked away and kept his head down.

"Aren't ya gonna look at me?" Donatello asked gently. Insecurity shook his head. "Why not?"

"Because I have black eyes."

"So?" Leonardo asked.

"Black eyes mean you have no soul. That means the devil's gonna getcha."

"Who told you that."

Insecurity sniffled. "You did."

"I did not!" Leonardo said angrily.

Insecurity flinched. "You said that and lots more."

"You're in denial, Leo. I know how to unlock your missing memories, although it'll be from a different perspective," Anger said.

"Well please do. I refuse to believe that I teased Raph. That is so unlike me. What do we need to do?"

"Touch him."

"What?"

"Touch Insecurity."

"I have your permission? He's not going to scream?"

"Just touch him, Leo."

Leonardo felt Anger's watchful eye on him as he knelt down and reached out. Insecurity batted his hand away and walked closer. He pressed his forehead against the older turtle's and Leonardo found himself staring into inky black pools. Suddenly he was falling deep into those eyes and he saw himself as a child. He and Donatello were laughing. They were all bathing. Raphael was hunched over, covering himself.

"Whassa matter small fry?" the child Leonardo asked. "And you _know_ I don't mean your height."

Michelangelo frowned at him. "Shut up Leo! It's not funny!"

"Yes it is," Donatello said gleefully.

"Well it's the truth, for both of you!"

The scene changed. Again and again he saw himself verbally tearing into Raphael, and sometimes Michelangelo. Donatello occasionally joined him in his cruelty. The insults were horribly creative and incredibly effective. He saw Raphael's confidence erode with every snarky comment, every cruel sentence. He saw the scene change again, and this one told him why Raphael never showed anybody his eyes.

This time they were slightly older, Leonardo was beaming happily, staring into a mirror.

"I like my new eyes," he said happily.

"I like mine, too," Donatello said with a nod.

"Hey guys! Mine changed, too!" Michelangelo exclaimed, running in. Raphael was sulking in the doorway that he had just come from. "See? Orange and green!"

"Ooh, pretty!" Donatello exclaimed, leaning close to see.

Leonardo got a mean glint in his silver and blue eyes. "Hey Raphie. What color are your eyes?"

Raphael, knowing pain was coming, ran. Leonardo cornered him in the bathroom, grinning meanly.

"I said, what color are _your_ eyes?"

"You know what color they are, Leo!" Raphael snapped, his voice shaking.

"Sprinkler's about to turn on," he teased. "And you do know what black eyes mean, Raph?"

"I don't want to."

"Black eyes mean you have no soul. And that means the devil's gonna getcha. You're going to be stolen away in the night because you're not good enough to be our brother. Your pathetic, small fry. And you _know_ I don't mean your height."

As Leonardo saw himself laugh, he noticed a change in Raphael's eyes. The insecurity, which had reigned throughout all of the scenes, seemed to freeze. Anger roared up so quickly that Leonardo gasped. He literally saw Raphael's personality change right in front of him. The child Leonardo caught his first glimpse of the new Raphael and stopped laughing. Raphael approached him menacingly, cracking his knuckles, and Donatello and Michelangelo appeared in the doorway and froze when they saw the black-eyed child.

"Raphie?" Leonardo asked, sounding scared. "Raphie, I'm only teasin'. You should know that, only teasin'."

"Shut up, Leo," Raphael growled, backing him into a corner.

"Raph? What's wrong?" Donatello asked.

"Shut it brainless. Leo and I are going to 'practice' fighting."

Leonardo tried to defend himself, but even back then, Raphael had been stronger. The frightened turtle broke free and tried to run, but he propelled himself straight into the fist Raphael had just swung. The momentum flung him hard and fast into the sink. His skull connected with a dull thud and he sank to the floor, dazed. Blood rushed down his temple, pooling onto the floor. The current Leonardo felt Raphael's delightful rush of pleasure at seeing his tormentor down. Michelangelo suddenly screamed, soon joined by Donatello. Splinter appeared in the doorway. He gasped as he took in the situation.

"Leonardo!" he cried.

Leonardo's perspective suddenly shifted and he was staring through Raphael's eyes. Time sped up and Splinter called Raphael into his room. Leonardo was lying motionless on his father's mat with white strips of cloth wrapped around his head, looking quite dead. The white of the cloth was stained with red on the right side. Splinter pressed a hand onto Raphael's shoulder.

"My son, my son, where did your anger come from?"

"He wouldn't stop. He wouldn't stop tormenting me, Father. So I shut him up."

"Raphael you can't hit him. He is your brother. Now, I hope this anger dissipates. Go. Leonardo needs rest."

Raphael walked to the bathroom, passing Michelangelo and Donatello, who were sleeping on the couch. He stood in front of the full length mirror, staring at his eyes. He pulled a long strip of red cloth out of his shell and placed it to his face. There was one-way cloth on the eye, so he could see out, but nobody else could see in.

_My eyes might change colors_ , he thought as he tied the mask over his face. _But they'll never know. I'll never show my eyes to anybody ever again._

There was the sensation of falling again and suddenly Leonardo slammed into his own body, gasping. He was sitting with Insecurity in front of him, whose eyes were looking down. Those memories, they were true. He remembered everything. He _had_ said those things to Raphael.

"Leo? You okay, dude?" Michelangelo asked, grabbing his arm and helping him up.

Shame filled him as he stared at his orange clad brother. He had teased him, too. He had to get away, so he broke free and he ran. He ignored the voices calling for him to stop, running as fast as he could so he wouldn't have to face them. In this mind world it seemed that he had incredible energy, since Raphael's facets and emotions weren't controlling him. He stumbled into a stream and swam through it. He was panting at this point and collapsed, gasping for air. He heard a soft voice singing. He dragged himself up and found himself staring at a bathing Raphael. He was in a pool of water that had steam coming out of it. He wore no mask and his back was turned. He was also the last person Leonardo wanted to see. As he watched, Raphael reached over on the shore and pulled out a red mask, tying it effortlessly around his head. He stood and Leonardo saw that he wore no shell, only a skirt of red with slits up the sides. Then he walked right for him.

Raphael stared silently down at his brother before offering him a hand. The blue masked turtle cringed and buried his face in his arms. Sobs came from him. Though he knew he didn't deserve Raphael's kindness, his brother helped him up and stripped his shell off before lowering him into the pool. The red masked turtle lowered himself into the pool as well, holding his brother's head above water. It was an hour before the distraught turtle could speak.

"I'm so s-sorry, Raph. I deserve everything you've done to me over the years. I was stupid and wrong. Please, _please_ forgive me."

Raphael said nothing for a few moments. "You hurt me Leo. And now, all these years later, you have the audacity to be mad at me for my temper."

"I-I don't understand."

"My anger masks my insecurities. That's why Insecurity likes to hang around Anger. Anger protects him from more pain."

"Oh. That actually makes sense. He seemed to like Anger a lot."

"Yeah." There was a long pause. "You know you're going to have to make it up to me, right? I can't just forget what you did."

"I would do anything for you, Raph. You're my brother and I love you."

Raphael laughed like Peace had. "I guess I love you, too, bro."

Leonardo sighed happily then looked hard at Raphael's mask. He reached for it slowly, and Raphael looked at him sharply.

"Don't, Leo."

"Did they ever change colors?"

"I'm not telling."

Leonardo was disappointed, but he sighed and lowered his hand without complaint. He took a deep breath and ducked into the hot water. He came back up gasping for air and noticed that Raphael had gotten out. He followed suit and as he walked over to him, something started dragging on his skin. He looked down to see that he wore a blue replica of Raphael's skirt. It felt strange to wear clothing, but it was a good strange.

"Raph? Do you know where the others are?"

"They're making their way here. You ran a long way and they're moving at a shamble. They should be here by tomorrow afternoon."

"Oh. Okay." Leonardo rolled his shoulders. "Man, I'm still sore from that river. How can you stand that much emotion?"

"I've always been emotional. It's nothing new."

"Raph?"

"Yeah Leo?"

The blue clad ninja hesitated, then embraced his brother. Raphael stiffened then melted into the embrace. He just didn't care if he seemed soft or needy at the moment. They stood there for a few seconds then Leonardo released him.

"Tired?" Raphael asked.

"Exhausted."

Raphael conjured up two mats and they lay down to sleep.


	6. Why Should I?

Raphael stared at his brother as he slept. He was relaxed and peaceful, though he had twisted and turned for hours as his own memories came back to him. The red masked turtle sighed and walked over to the pool, solidifying it into a mirror. His mask was suddenly in his hand and he stared at his eyes. Leonardo had wanted to see his eyes. He wondered if they had ever changed. They had. Leonardo had looked so hurt when refused, but…

_Can I really trust him?_

He stared for a while, moving a hand to grab the upper corner of the reflective surface. He saw movement behind him and shattered the mirror, the broken pieces dissolving into water. He stood there stiffly, neither of them moving.

"Raphie, what's wrong?" Leonardo finally asked.

"You."

The blue masked turtle flinched. "I'm sorry."

"Why should I show you my eyes?"

"Honestly?" Leonardo said softly, brokenly. "You shouldn't."

Raphael slowly turned to his brother, eyes down. Leonardo moved his hands up to remove his own mask before wrapping his hands around the trembling turtle's.

"I'll never say anything bad about them again."

Raphael swallowed. It was so hard for him to do this. It had been the last straw, the final insult that he had ever tolerated from his brother. And it hadn't been tolerated for very long. He had sworn that nobody would ever see his eyes again.

"You don't have to do this, Raph."

Leonardo suddenly found himself looking at honey gold and ruby red. He blinked, his own silver and blue eyes widening in surprise.

"So they _did_ change colors," he breathed. He stared, analyzing them. "They're beautiful, though you probably don't like that word."

"I don't mind so much," Raphael admitted, his mask disappearing from his hand. "It helps me, you know, get over your insults."

"I really am sorry, Raphie," he whispered softly, tearing up.

"You know Leo, you might say to us that we need to cry, but you don't do much of it yourself. I think it's time to change that."

"But Raph, I have to be strong for the rest of you."

"Screw that, bro. Just let it out. Nobody will know but us. The others are still a while away."

Leonardo bit his bottom lip then gave in, pressing into his younger brother's arms. They stayed there like that for a while, one sobbing softly as his heart ached for his own actions in the past, the other holding him and rubbing his back. Leonardo finally sighed and pulled back, wiping his eyes.

"Thanks Raph."

"Everybody needs to cry. I just do mine in the privacy of the shower."

Leonardo smiled. "I knew it!" he teased.

Raphael snickered. "So, what do you want to do until they get here?"

"Another soak in that pool would do me some good," the silver and blue eyed one said.

"Excellent choice. What color would you like it?"

"You can change the color of the water?"

"Yep. My mind. I could make the sky yellow and the sun blue if I wanted."

"Do it then," Leonardo challenged.

Raphael pursed his lips then flicked his wrist. The lighting suddenly changed drastically and Leonardo looked up to see that Raphael had done exactly what he said he could. The sky was now bright yellow, and they sun the shade of blue from his mask. He gaped then laughed giddily.

"Do it again!"

Raphael amused his brother by changing the color of anything he wanted. To the red and gold eyed turtle's amusement, Leonardo wanted him to change the color of everything but the pool. Finally, with another flick of his wrist, everything changed back to the usual colors.

"Now, you still wanna get in the pool? They'll be here in an hour and a half."

In response to that, Leonardo dove headfirst into the water. Raphael laughed, diving after him. He held his brother under the water until he gasped and laughed at Leonardo's expression when he realized he could breathe water.

"What?" he asked, his voice echoing slightly.

"Like I said, Leo, it's my mind. I can do whatever I want in here."

"How deep is this pool?"

"As deep as you want it to be."

Leonardo and Raphael played games underwater until there was a noise above them. They looked up to see Insecurity swimming toward them. Raphael immediately had a mask back on.

"Come on Leo. They're here."

The two turtles and the facet popped up out of the water. They climbed out of the pool. The skirts on Leonardo and Raphael weren't even wet. Raphael picked up the little turtle and placed him on his hip. Anger nodded curtly at Raphael, glaring at Leonardo. Splinter, Donatello, and Michelangelo were sleeping.

"Um, Raphie?" Leonardo asked. "I thought we were good."

"I can't always control Anger. He has a life of his own."

"Great," the older turtle sighed.

Raphael shrugged. Two hours later, Michelangelo sat up, rubbing his eyes. He spotted his brothers and leaped to his feet.

"There you are!" he exclaimed. "We got here and we couldn't find you. Anger and Insecurity said they knew where you were, but they wouldn't tell us."

"We went swimming," Leonardo said with a smile. Anger was suddenly in his face.

"Who said you could tell him that?"

"What?" Leonardo gasped, backing up in bewilderment.

"Chill, Anger," Raphael said.

"Oh, so you're suddenly buddies now, is that right?" he asked, spinning to Raphael.

"Shut it," Raphael growled.

"No! After all these years, one tear-filled apology fixes everything?!"

"No, it doesn't fix everything or you wouldn't be running your damned mouth!"

At this point, Splinter and Donatello were up. The temperature had also risen about ten degrees.

"My son, please calm down!" Splinter said as the earth began to split, revealing red hot, glowing light.

"Don't you _dare_ tell me to calm down! You who so obviously plays favorites!" Anger spat. "Everybody does a good job but Raph! 'No Raphael, that is wrong!' or 'No Raphael, you cannot do that!' But the worst, the _worst_ is 'Control your temper, Raphael! Control your temper, Raphael! _Control your temper, Raphael!'_ It's partially your fault that I even exist to this degree. If you hadn't thought Leo was so damned perfect as a child, you would have seen the living _hell_ he put me through! But no, Leo was perfect! Mr. Perfect wouldn't dare hurt his brothers! He wouldn't make them cry or wish they were _dead!_ He was wonderful: good at training and so kind. What about my pain? Every time I tried to come to you for help what did you say? What the hell did you say?!"

Splinter looked shocked and bewildered. He was nose to nose with Anger. This was honestly the first time he was hearing any of this. Was his son really this repressed?

"I-I do not know," he finally stammered after Anger shouted the question again.

"'Not now Raphael. I'm busy.' What does that mean? 'I have time for your brothers and their problems, but yours don't matter to me.' How was I supposed to live with _that?!_ Knowing that your father doesn't love you hurts, _Sensei._ So why the hell don't you love me?!"

The temperature had shot up to the point that heat waves had appeared in the air. Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello had dove into the pool to keep cool, but they were forced out as it began to steam and boil. They had never seen this before. Ever. They knew how Raphael reacted in the real world, but in this mental world? This was downright terrifying. Especially because as Splinter tried to find a response, they saw Anger morph into something that had them diving away behind the real Raphael.

"What the hell is that thing?!" Leonardo gasped, staring at the dragon that was growing to a huge size.

"That, my brother, is Rage," Raphael growled, turning slowly. "I'm going to get you out of here. But first I have a question for you. And for Sensei. And Donatello, too."

Rage laughed and roared. Peace, Sadness, and Façade suddenly appeared. They, including Raphael, split their attention, two looking at Leonardo, one at Donatello, and two at Splinter. The question that passed their lips made them freeze.

"How do you like the monster you created?"

Lava suddenly exploded around them and they just knew they were going to drown in this hot, crippling emotion! There was a bright flash…


	7. Flayed Open

They all sat up, gasping. They looked around. They were in Raphael's room, but Raphael wasn't anywhere in sight. The bed was empty. They suddenly heard the door to the lair open and close. They were shocked and bewildered, especially Splinter. But not Michelangelo. He sighed.

"He's worse than I thought, but I'm not surprised," he said.

"But Anger…" Leonardo said.

"Has every right to be there," the orange clad turtle said firmly. "He was right about everything. Even you, Sensei. Even now, unless he's in trouble, you still don't give him very much attention. Raph used to come talk to me about everything. After he freaked and punched you in the bathroom, Leo, he mostly stopped. He needs somebody to talk to. And besides me, nobody was ever willing to listen."

Splinter sighed, placing his head in his hands. "What have I done?"

"Isolated him to the point of him thinking you don't love him," Michelangelo said lightly as he stood.

"Mikey!" Donatello and Leonardo hissed.

"What? He asked."

They glared at their brother then glanced worriedly at their father.

"I need some time to think," Splinter finally said, standing shakily and hurrying to his room.

Leonardo and Donatello stood as well, walking out of Raphael's room with Michelangelo. The orange masked turtle walked into dining room and began to eat the pizza that was left. He froze.

"Mikey? What's wrong?" Donatello asked.

"It's impossible," he said. "We were gone for days!"

"What are you talking about?" Leonardo demanded.

"It's still hot!"

"What?!"

Donatello and Leonardo were there in an instant. They touched a piece and Michelangelo was right. The pizza was still fresh and hot. They sat and ate, suddenly realizing how hungry they were. They also noticed that one box was gone.

Hours later, everybody was asleep but Leonardo. The door to the lair opened and Raphael came in. Leonardo immediately leaped up, hurrying over to him.

"Raph, I want to say—" he started.

"Not tonight Leo. Rage really did a number on me," Raphael said weakly, walking into the kitchen.

"I need to say it, Raph. I'm sorry. I really am."

"That doesn't take care of my problem."

"I know! If I could take it all back I would!"

Raphael turned, taking his mask off. "Leo, you hurt me. A lot. It's going to take a lot for me to ever feel safe around you. Okay?"

Leonardo nodded. "I guess it can't be helped. I love you, Raphie."

"I…I guess I love you, too, Leo. I mean, I wouldn't want anything to happen to you, but…" Raphael looked down and hugged himself. He took a soda out of the fridge and headed for his room.

Raphael acted strange for the next week. He wasn't his usual, tough-as-nails self. He was constantly curled up, and would run from the room when he suddenly began to cry. He finally broke during training and sat down, hugging himself, a gesture they were really getting used to. Splinter wrapped an arm around him.

"My son, my son, what is wrong?"

"I don't know," Raphael muttered. "I feel…weak around you guys. Like I'm flayed open and you can see everything. I feel…"

"Vulnerable," Donatello said gently. "The word you're looking for is vulnerable."

Raphael nodded. "Why? I don't understand."

"Come," Splinter said softly. "We have done enough training for today, I think. It is time we talk."

They were soon settled in the living room. Raphael stood away from everyone else as they sat down. He was still hugging himself.

"Now, mind walking is a very intimate thing, to be sure," Splinter said when they were settled. "But opening yourself up as deeply as you did, Raphael, is to become vulnerable. What you are feeling is the aftereffects of such a connection. You need to feel close to us again, but you are holding back."

"I don't want to be close," Raphael muttered.

"Why not?" Leonardo asked gently.

Raphael looked up at them and answered honestly. "I'm afraid of being hurt or laughed at for the way I feel. I don't want you to be disgusted or put off that I have anger issues, or that my greatest Enemy is my own Insecurity. I want you to…"

"To?" Splinter prodded.

"No. It sounds stupid."

"We love you, Raphie," Leonardo said softly

Raphael frowned and sighed. "I want you to…h-hold me and tell me that everything's going to be alright. I want to know that I can cry whenever I need to and not be hurt by somebody laughing at me. I need…"

Raphael trailed off and shivered, tightening his arms around himself. Leonardo stood first, drawing the red masked turtle over to sit down. He pulled Raphael's arms apart and wrapped one of them around himself before embracing Raphael.

"Raph, you're the only one who thinks we're going to do the bad things and not do the good things. It's alright. It really is. Now relax. Please? You haven't relaxed since that clearing in your head. We love you, okay? We really, really do. Right?" He asked, looking around.

"Of course dude," Michelangelo said with a nod, quickly going over to grab his brother's free hand. "We're family. We always will be."

"I concur completely," Donatello said with a note of amusement in his voice; Raphael always teased him about using strange words. "I love you, big brother. You don't have to be tougher than all of us all the time. You are allowed to feel. I promise."

Splinter walked over and placed his hand under his son's chin, tilting the green head up to look at him. "I love you as well, my son. You needn't fear us."

Raphael slowly looked them over and nodded then burst into tears. He still felt so very vulnerable, but he could tell they meant it, so it didn't matter. True to their word, he was embraced and held as his feelings burst forward. He finally relaxed and pressed into their arms as his tears were spent. His mask was quite wet, and Leonardo hesitantly reached for it. Raphael turned his head to look at him, but didn't stop him. The blue masked turtle used the dry parts of the mask to wipe the excess water off his brother's face then Raphael lazily opened his eyes.

"Dude! Your eyes _did_ change colors!" Michelangelo gasped.

"They fit together quite well," Donatello said as he studied them.

"Eh, I like 'em," Raphael said softly.

"They fit you quite well, my son," Splinter said fondly. "But why did you stop showing us your eyes."

"Because I had black eyes. And what does that mean Leo?"

"That means…the devil's gonna getcha," Leonardo muttered in embarrassment.

"Ya know, Leo, I have a retort to that now," Raphael said, smiling and making his eyes gleam.

"What is that?"

"Father's got black eyes. So whaddaya say to that?"

Leonardo blinked. "Wow, I was a stupid kid."

They laughed. Leonardo took off his own mask and the other two followed. "Well Raphie," Leonardo said. "What do you want to do now?"

Raphael shrugged. "I don't know. Watch a movie?"

"But we've seen all our movies," Michelangelo whined.

The golden eyed turtle smirked. "No ya haven't. I got some hidden away."

"Raph!" Donatello yelped, gesturing at Splinter with his eyes.

"Oh, he used ta watch 'em with me."

The three turtles were so stunned that Raphael laughed. He stood, left the room, and came back with several DVDs. He handed one to Donatello, who cringed and looked at it with Leonardo and Michelangelo. The orange eyed turtle burst out laughing. The other two relaxed and laughed, too, albeit a bit relieved.

"What kinda movies did ya think I meant?" Raphael asked knowingly.

"Well, certainly not cartoons," Leonardo said with a shake of his head.

"Eh, I'm not inta that as much as ya probably think. I mean, we've all looked around at the stuff, but it didn't really tickle my fancy."

"Uh, dude, you know Splinter's in the room, right?" Michelangelo asked.

"Uh, dude," Raphael mocked. "Do ya think he didn't know that we were getting inta that kind of thing?"

The other three looked uncomfortable as Raphael gave their father the selection. He picked up one.

"As I recall, you liked the one with the puppy and the six rabbits."

"Yep. I like all of 'em, ta be honest."

"When did you get into cartoons again?" Leonardo asked as Raphael set up the system and popped in the DVD.

"I never outgrew 'em. I just watch 'em when you're all in bed, or when you're not home."

"Well, that's stupid. I can take a good cartoon every once in a while," Donatello said.

"Good. 'Cause this is a good cartoon."

Raph went back and plopped down beside his older brother. They sat there contentedly as the movie started, feeling like more of a family than they had in years.


End file.
